Christian Husbands and Wives

Feminists attack Christians for their belief that in a marriage women are to submit to their husbands.  They claim that this makes the woman a slave to her husband, and opens her up to abuse.  In the same way, many legalistic Christian men use the idea of his wife submitting to him as an excuse to abuse her and rule over her as a dictator.

The passage abused by both extremes is Ephesians 5:22-30.  Here is what this passage says:

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.  

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one every hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body.”  (NIV)

I’m not going to get deep into this passage - there are plenty of commentaries and books about it.  But I am going to just highlight the main ideas behind it, from both the wife’s and the husband’s responsibility.

Wives have a very "easy" responsibility; they are to just submit to their husband’s authority.  This doesn’t mean she is a slave to her husband, rather it means that she submits to his leadership as head of the family.  If there are issues in which husband and wife cannot come to a consensus, then the husband is the ultimate authority and his decision is to be followed.  Notice that the wife submits in the same way as the church submits to Christ.  As Christ would never lead the church astray, if the husband is desiring his wife do something against what Christ would want (something immoral or illegal, e.g.), then the wife is not expected to blindly submit.  Other than those types of issues, the wife just submits to her husband as the leader in all matters.  Of course that means HE is the one God holds responsible for the outcomes!

Husbands have a much more difficult and defined role and responsibility.  While the wife is given no instruction about loving her husband, the husband is commanded to love his wife in the same way that Christ loved the church - in a fully sacrificial way, helping her to be spiritually blameless and holy.  He is to love his wife as if she is his own body, and care for her in that way.  If the husband obeys this command, there will NEVER be any abuse.  He will act as the leader of the home, guiding the spiritual life of the family, protecting the family in every way.  He doesn’t make decisions unilaterally, rather he includes his wife in decision-making, and only if there is no agreement does he have the  authority to make the final decision and be responsible to God for the decisions he makes.

Let’s look at one more passage to round out the teaching; 1 Peter 3:1-7:

“Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,  when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.  For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. 

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (NIV)

Notice that the Scripture again says for the wife to be submissive to her husband.  However, what is interesting here is that Peter addresses the result if the husband is an unbeliever - he may be won to Christ because of her behavior!

Some people claim that this passage says that a woman should not use jewelry or braid her hair, etc, but that is not what it is saying.  What it IS saying is that the wife is not to make her external adornment her beauty - that her real beauty should be the inner person.

Look at what Peter says to the husband - that he is be considerate of her and treat her with respect.  Some versions say that he is to live with his wife “in an understanding way.”  The husband is to treat his wife as a “weaker partner” (or “weaker vessel”).  This does not mean physically weaker, although normally wives are weaker physically than their husbands (simple physiology), rather I think it points out that women tend to be more emotional and tender about life than men.  The husband is to treat his wife with gentleness and tenderness, seeking to understand her.

Finally, look at the reason Peter gives husbands as to why they should treat their wives in this manner - SO THAT NOTHING WILL HINDER YOUR PRAYERS!  Think about that, husbands - how you treat your wives affects how God hears your prayers.

When husbands and wives live according to the commands of the Bible, there will never be any abuse, nor will women be treated as bondservants.  Their relationships will be better than any marriage of unbelievers.