False Teaching About Prospective Spouses

Two years ago I posted an article about marriage in which I examined the "teachings" of another blogger (who I will refer to as "Mr. Marriage Killer" -- or just MMK). When I commented on the article I cited in my blogpost, MMK blocked me from commenting. (I still looked at his blog now and then out of curiosity, to see if his ideology in regards to marriage had changed or if he had found a spouse but with this latest nonsense I am finished with him). However, he recently wrote another of those articles which tell you what the qualifications for marriage should be. Now, in this particular one he emphasized that what he wrote were HIS goals and qualifications he needed for a wife, but the implication, and some of the verbiage in the article, make it plain that he believes this should apply to everyone.

Well, as with my previous article citing his silliness, I am not going to give a link to his site because I think he can do more harm than good to anyone with little discernment. Let me also note what MMK says about himself: 

I find myself now in my early 40s, with a 6-figure income and a nearly 7-figure net worth.  (Money is high in his priorities.)

"I favor the old-earth (14 billion-year universe)" -- his perspective for all his apologetics. He may have good apologetics for basic doctrine but he has no discernment when it comes to accepting the "scientific" ideology of an old earth (something with no proof but lots of speculations).

Okay, let's look at some things MMK said in this particular post I’m examining here.

Regarding why it is important for a wife to have a STEM degree:

A wife who has completed high school and college courses in math, science, engineering and/or technology will know how to either homeschool our kids, or monitor their homework and grades so they achieve good academic results.

Gee, how did my wife and I homeschool our kids without a STEM degree? Now, my son wanted to apprentice as a woodworker so I can't use him as an example of his education level (although he is an outstanding craftsman with wood), but when my daughter went to college (for a double major in elementary education and music) she performed at the top of her class and stayed on the Dean's list for 5 years, graduating with honors.

STEM equips her to argue apologetics from her experience of using reason, evidence, reality-based testing. 

Studying apologetics does not require a STEM degree, and my wife has plenty of experience in using reason, evidence, and reality!

STEM degrees are a path to high paying jobs. Women who are debt-free are better to marry, because they don’t delay the process of buying a house and having children. Any kind of debt has to be paid off first. I’m not looking for a big spender, I’m looking for someone who can earn and save. The more children we can afford to have, the bigger our influence will be. Also, women who choose STEM demonstrate that they can delay gratification, and not be a slave to FOMO, YOLO, “living in the moment”, etc."

My wife wasn't looking to get higher-paying jobs--she was looking to marry and be a wife and mother. We bought a house 1 1/2 years after we married because of MY employment; the only "delay" was because I was working towards a better job and then in training for it. Lack of large amounts of money did not delay our having children. But notice the reason he wants all this -- "influence."  So you need the STEM and all the other requirements of his to have influence? My wife and I have influenced one heck of a lot of people over the years and I just don't know how were able to do this!

While MMK claims these are just HIS goals and not requirements for others, his comments about women in general is that none are eligible for marriage without fulfilling the requirements that he sets out.:

First, I hope this post convinces women to start planning for their marriages early. You need to know things that matter for two reasons: 1) to attract a quality man, 2) to evaluate men and filter out the good ones. That means you need to know things like apologetics, politics, etc. Having money helps to buy learning material."

And then he makes this comment about ALL men and how they should seek a marriageable woman:

Second, I hope this post convinces men to stop choosing women based on youth and beauty. Your choice of wife will have a huge effect on your influence. Choose a capable, competent partner who complements your strengths with different strengths. Men spend their days in the workplace, where we cannot say much about religion and politics. If you marry an intelligent conservative Christian woman, she can be your voice to the university, the church, and the public square. Not to mention raising effective children. Therefore, choose wisely.

So, while MMK claims these are just HIS goals, he makes sure that all men and women know what, in his opinion, proper requirements are needed for a spouse.

 

I knew he wouldn't post any comment I made, but I wanted to once again let him know just how foolish and absurd his qualifications are so I posted the following (and, yes, I got a bit "hot under the collar" with him because his teaching can ruin a lot of lives):

I know you won’t publish this because I’ve told you the truth before about your asinine ideology for a STEM-educated bridal selection. You refuse to publish because what I’ve said is the truth and you are too arrogant to accept correction.

But I’m going to still tell you that you are full of crap. You worship STEM degrees and will never marry. I have been married 45 years to a very smart woman who can hold her own with apologetics (taught by me), is a very good shot (taught by me) and spent a career as a wife and homemaker raising our children (including homeschooling). She graduated high school with honors but spent only two years in college, working towards a degree in horticulture when she dropped out to marry me.

You consider any such woman as a poor candidate for marriage because she didn’t have your precious STEM degree. Your telling everyone what a good marriage candidate IS will leave many men unmarried. You have no experience at marriage (and probably not any experience at any solid relationship with a female) and yet you dare tell everyone else what sort of woman is marriageable.

I was attracted first to my wife because she was pretty and was interesting to talk to when I met her. So I asked her out and found what a wonderful personality she had, as well as being a solid Christian with conservative values — and that was just after she graduated high school. In your estimation I should never have asked her out but here we are 47 years after meeting and spending most of our two years prior to marriage in a long-distance relationship of letters and phone calls (I was in the Army and on leave when we met). What a wonderful marriage I would have missed out on by following your absurd rules.

Oh, and you would also consider me a poor match for a woman seeking a husband because I never went to college. Instead I spent 5 years serving my country and then worked my way into a career in aviation.

Not everyone has the desire for STEM degrees, but you consider those kinds of people pretty much worthless for marriage.

He emailed me a response:

I'm not replying to your comment to you, because you were not able to understand what I wrote nor to reply to in a constructive way.

One of the reasons why people go to college, and work in serious jobs like engineering, is so that they develop the mental capacity to separate logic from personal concerns, and focus on solving problems. In my personal life, I've developed the ability to do that. You have not, and anything I said to you could not be processed rationally for that reason. I presented goals and a plan to achieve those goals. You could not process that, because you lack the intellectual ability and the practical experience to do so. Instead, you took it as personal criticism, and attacked me personally with insults. It's sad that you have not used your time to develop the ability to think rationally and persuade others whom you disagree with.

I have nothing to say about you personally, or your personal situation. I have goals, and I laid out a plan to achieve them. I have tremendous success as a legal immigrant, an investor, an engineer, and a mentor of influential Christians who have gone on to make a difference in the world. If you're [sic] answer to that is to insult and abuse me, then so much the worse for you. I could make you into something better if you didn't take that attitude. But you have to want to be better, and you don't. You want to destroy.

Notice a few things:

1. He stated that I had not developed "the mental capacity to separate logic from personal concerns."  Really? And how did he discern that? I've actually studied logic, and anyone with common sense can "separate logic from personal concerns."  He also stated that I would be unable to rationally process anything he said, that I "lack the intellectual ability and and the practical experience to do so."  Hmm. So without a STEM degree I'm just ignorant and irrational.  I'd say that is a personal insult.

 

2. He said I took his goals as a personal insult. WRONG. I took what his last statements about men and women in general as an insult to everyone who doesn't agree with his goals. His statements about men and women do say something about me personally and every other Christian man and woman who haven't met his qualifications. I used my personal life as an example of what is wrong with his teachings.

3. Notice his statement about his life: I have tremendous success as a legal immigrant, an investor, an engineer, and a mentor of influential Christians who have gone on to make a difference in the world" -- as if that has any bearing on marriage qualifications.

4. If you're [sic] answer to that is to insult and abuse me, then so much the worse for you. I'm trying to figure out where I insulted him or abused him. I did say he is arrogant, as demonstrated by his idea that HE, an unmarried man in his 40s, has the temerity to tell others what they should seek in a mate. And I noted that he was unteachable because he refused to accept that his marriage ideology is WRONG when he says all men/women should follow it. Yet the first thing he does is insult me!

5. I could make you into something better if you didn't take that attitude. But you have to want to be better, and you don't. WOW! Talk about arrogance and insulting!!

6. You want to destroy.  Really? Where did that come from? The only thing I want to destroy is MMK’s teaching others that his way of thinking about marriage is the only proper way for Christian men and women!

So I responded to this (and then blocked him):

I have plenty of ability for logical discussions, but your arrogance does not permit logic to penetrate. You have long stated what the proper woman would be for marriage, and have long claimed that those are the ONLY proper characteristics for a Christian man to seek.

My point has always been that to make those requirements standard for Christian men is just plain wrong. That can be a personal goal for you, which is just fine and why you will never marry, but you always tell men that this it the ONLY right way, and that women who do not possess a STEM degree are not worth pursuing.  Your attack on me claiming I don’t have the ability to think rationally just demonstrates your arrogance.  I don’t want to destroy, I want to stop you from destroying other people’s lives by telling them they are worthless without a STEM degree.

You have no idea what my ministries have been (or my wife’s ministries for that matter), you have no idea what struggles I had to surmount to get a better life than my parents had, and what difference we have made in other people’s lives. Being an immigrant doesn’t make your struggles any different from citizens who were born into bad situations. So get off your high horse of being offended by the truth that you are worshipping STEM degrees. I did NOT “abuse” you but you have made yourself a victim by me demonstrating that your personal goals are not what you should tell people are the right and proper goals for everyone. You denigrate everyone who is not interested in college degrees of any sort (not acceptable marriage partners). And that is WRONG.

Well I saw a couple other comments on his post, which I just have to share:

Great post and I hope you get your hearts desire.

An issue, though, is maybe the person who doesn’t have a degree in any kind was because she was unable to go to school. Maybe God had her in HIS school of life and she learned various lessons through various trials.

I understand your point, but it seems very strict and kind of putting God in a box. Life happens and He works everything out for our good. A good wife is God made and not degree made. Just a different perspective.

But I’m sure wherever she is God is getting her ready for you as well and you’ll check all her boxes.

And MMK's response?

Thank you for your opinion. In this meantime, I mentor young Christians and build them up.

WOW!

Next:

Between what you want in a woman for a wife, and what Laura

thinks a woman should want in a man, there is going to be a lot of single people in the future!!!

Google the “Sheconomy” !

In defense of Laura, she is merely pointing out necessary and proper behaviors and is 100% correct in my opinion. (MMK had a link to go to her site.)

One person said he didn't see a woman with a STEM degree as marriageable because she'd be after a career rather than being a wife and mother!

For some more evidence that MMK does indeed promote STEM for marriage for ALL (not just his personal goals), here's his rant about Tim Tebow choosing a wife based on looks (according to MMK):

...if you want to marry a real Christian women [sic], I recommend looking for women whose lives show a consistent, multi-year record of studying apologetics and engaging for conservative causes in the public square. And again, it’s just safer to prefer women with STEM degrees. Women with STEM degrees have the emotivism and narcissism drummed out of them. STEM graduates know that no amount of intuition and wishing will make a program compile and run and generate correct output.

The general point here is that men are stupid – especially when they are young and don’t realize how important it is for them to choose wisely, when it comes to a bride. They imagine that because a woman is good looking, that must mean that she has a good Christian worldview – a worldview that includes a commitment to studying apologetics, and integrating Christianity with economics, politics, etc. Guess what, stupid men? Unless she has read people like Lee Strobel and J. Warner Wallace, she doesn’t know whether her Christian faith is true or not. Unless she has read people like Thomas Sowell and Jay Richards, she has no idea how her Christian faith integrates with economics or politics. Unless she has read people like Scott Klusendorf and Ryan Anderson, she isn’t really pro-life or pro-marriage – not beyond the level of feelings, she is not.You can’t sing your way to a Christian worldview, Te-Beau. Somebody needs to hand T-Bonehead my list of courting questions. I can guarantee you that Miss Universe would not be able to answer any of them.

Pretty girls are always used to getting attention from men for free, they never have to do anything they don’t feel like doing – and that is the exact opposite of what you need in a wife and mother of your children. Women who are less focused on their appearance actually have to care about helping and supporting a man in his plan to change the world with his marriage and family. So, they busy themselves before marriage getting STEM degrees, staying chaste, working with kids to practice, stay out of debt, building up a nest egg, and trying to make the society as Christian-friendly as possible through apologetics, activism, charity and political activism. She wants the world to be a safe place for a man to marry and raise a family in, and she wants to communicate to him through her serious decision-making that she will be a help to him, and not a loose cannon on deck.

Notice the arrogance of  MMK's assumptions about all men and women!

In another post MMK wrote the following:

My view is that Christian men should not be allowed to talk to women – even to ask them the time of day or for directions – until they have a STEM degree, 2 years of private sector work experience, all debts paid off, a car and some savings. ...  If a man is talking about marriage without having taken steps to get a STEM degree, STEM private sector work history, and an investment account that is added to every month, then he has no business talking to a woman about marriage. 

And yet he stated in his email that those were just HIS goals and not directed at me (or anyone else) personally.

So what is the conclusion? People like MMK are dangerous to believers who are seeking advise on what to look for in a spouse; they will end up like him -- single. People like MMK are dangerous to those who do not have the ability or desire to get STEM degrees because they see such people as pretty much worthless (Jill says, "Just wait until his toilet stops up"). And people like MMK are dangerous because they give others a false idea what Christians think about marriage.